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kr
Founding Member
NP Raider
Total Posts: 3561
Joined: Apr 2004
 
Posted: 2004-09-10 23:43

just to prove that we really do trade toxic waste, this is in regards to one of our totally bankrupt investments:

The Massachusetts DEP has referred one of the properties to the EPA (Federal) for evaluation. The referral relates to the sulphuric acid spill that occurred earlier this year at, and DEP’s subsequent removal of several barrels from, the Main Street, Chicopee, MA property. (This matter was handled through environmental counsel with XXXXX’s oversight).  The EPA has requested that we consent to their accessing this property for the purpose of conducting their evaluation. This evaluation may include taking samples, excavating, and conducting surface and subsurface investigation. In furtherance of this request, the EPA asked that we sign their standard consent form... ...we clearly have no intention of signing such a form...

now if I could just get some dope on our nuclear plant demolition company (yes, we own one)... just think of the potential for thrills 'n' spills...


my bank got pwnd

David


Total Posts: 136
Joined: Jun 2004
 
Posted: 2004-09-13 17:53

Not from the trading floor, but anyway...

A sell-side quant analysis submitted a proposal to hedge the currency exposure of a large firm at a meeting with its financial officers. In his best efforts to convince the board, he remarked,

"In order to measure your risk at any given time, I would recommend using the VaR methodology. It can predict the maximum loss your firm is likely to incur in 99 percent confident level!...”

The CFO thought for a minute, and said:

"I don't care about the VaR, just the future"...


1845

PanzerMeyer


Total Posts: 1381
Joined: May 2004
 
Posted: 2004-10-13 18:50

on email :

Sales : "Here is the Front Office pre confirmation of the trade we have just done :
Trade date : 13/10/04
Security : XXX
Buyer: the bank
Seller : Client
ISIN : XS000000000000
PRice : 96.44%
Nominal : XX M €"

Trader 5 minutes later : "who gave you the price ?"


я, конечно, вернусь

FDAXHunter
Founding Member

Total Posts: 8333
Joined: Mar 2004
 
Posted: 2004-10-13 19:15

Plenty of stories like that:

Me: "Do you have unsettled trades with us?"
Them: "No."

Me: "Can you double check that?"
Them: "Sure, I'll call you back."

*ring ring*
Them: "Ok. We checked. Definitely nothing unsettled."

hehehehehehehe this is good....

Me: "Can I have that in writing?"
Them: "Huh?"
Me: "Can you give me something like: 'We have no unsettled bond transactions with XXXX as of this day?' You know, I have people breathing down my neck and stuff.... just a formality. I need to track this down."
Them: "Erm.. sure I can try. Gimme a couple of days."

At this point they probably got suspicious....  oh well.

*ring ring*
Them: "Hi. Sorry, I tracked down one unsettled trades with us. It looks like we owe you 250,000,000 of this bond from 2.5 points higher."

Sad


The Figs Protocol.

jungle
Chief Rhythm Officer
CSD LLC
Total Posts: 3162
Joined: Jul 2004
 
Posted: 2004-10-28 14:44

jungle:  "so does your system do OCOs?"

execution trader at large US i-bank, trying to flog their "smart" trading platform: "what's an OCO?"

Applause


"as we say in yiddish, it's fucking perfect."

FDAXHunter
Founding Member

Total Posts: 8333
Joined: Mar 2004
 
Posted: 2004-10-28 16:18

Did you tell him that an OCO was not the same as an FOK or an IOC?

Anyway, I have a similar experience, on the 20th of November 2001 there was a little accident in the Dec 01 FDAX contract (contrary to popular opinion, I had nothing to do with it... and besides you can't prove anything) which caused Eurex to rethink the procedures for market orders. This conversation took place:

Me: "So the new rules for market orders are as follows..."
German Trader: "What's a market order?"

Go figure Expressionless


The Figs Protocol.

Patrik
Founding Member

Total Posts: 1329
Joined: Mar 2004
 
Posted: 2004-10-28 16:31

ouch!

With stories like that I'm starting to believe in the DAX-traders story posted last week.


Paper Trading - Capital Structure Demolition, LLC Radiation

jungle
Chief Rhythm Officer
CSD LLC
Total Posts: 3162
Joined: Jul 2004
 
Posted: 2004-10-29 17:14
"your mom's so fat she beeps when she walks backwards".  ok, not trading related, but heard on the floor, anyway...

"as we say in yiddish, it's fucking perfect."

ComteZero


Total Posts: 523
Joined: Jun 2004
 
Posted: 2004-10-29 17:57
oil trading room.
young ladies frlom headquarter visiting the trading room.
Traders between them : pussies, pussies...
Ladies (shocked) : Can you believe this ????

same location
head of middle office showing at veteran trader a mistake he made in booking system.
Trader to her : Pitty i don't have time, I would have explained 2/3 things to you.

/* Trust is good, no trust is better. */

RookieQ v2.0


Total Posts: 549
Joined: Jul 2006
 
Posted: 2004-10-29 21:48

'I made money...the firm made money...two out of three aint bad"

 


NeroTulip


Total Posts: 991
Joined: May 2004
 
Posted: 2005-01-05 08:38

Trader shouting over the phone: Try harder! use a machine gun or whatever!


Inhuman Resources, Capital Structure Demolition LLC. All your blondes are belong to us. Radiation

MoreLiver


Total Posts: 481
Joined: Dec 2004
 
Posted: 2005-01-11 16:25

A SME-CFO to his broker: "Our FX position has positive sterling, us dollars and swedish kronas. Since this is a well-diversified portfolio, we don't need to hedge."

An odd-lot to broker, wondering should he buy or sell: "What is the market expecting?"

Same odd-lotter to broker after having one large win and five consecutive losing trades: "We should do more trades like the first one"

A senior salesman to a client complaining about the high implied volies of puts: why don't you do a synthetic put?

 

 

 

 

 


Hard for many to understand inflation, but not for me.

Graeme


Total Posts: 1629
Joined: Jun 2004
 
Posted: 2005-01-11 19:26

Very senior trader to risk quant:

"Look, man, I know what's going to happen in the market, so there is NO RISK associated with this transaction!!!!"


Graeme West

MoreLiver


Total Posts: 481
Joined: Dec 2004
 
Posted: 2005-01-12 12:26

A brokerage operating on a fixed commission nevertheless marks up customer prices. When a junior dealer points out that the practice is unethical, the senior partner points out that the customer does not have a Reuters terminal, and that's why he has to participate to the cost.

A systemic manager advises junior broker to hold from executing system signal. Junior wonders that isn't this contradictory to systemic trading. The manager gets angry and points that obviously the system needs some fine-tuning.

A PhD in macroeconomics contacts salesmen at a bank desk and explains that through his macroanalysis FX rates can be forecasted, e.g. interest rate rises by central banks strengthen the currency in question. The PhD is laughed at and thrown promptly out.

A broker sells a clever idea to a small exchange: - Hey look, since a short barrier option is like a stop-order, I actually don't need to place  any margin for the position, right? Of course, the exchange person agrees... OCool

A client long an ATM call complains that while the underlying has gone up ten points , the option is hardly five points higher.

An exchange uses ATM volies for all settlement prices. A customer notices that 5-delta options are quite cheap (lotteryticket-like) and wants to buy some. Does not believe even after being explained that nobody is selling deep otm options for atm volatility.

Senior manager tells a salesman that it is forbidden to bring a copy of Po Bronson's Bombardiers to the dealing room, since it is bad for morale...Dead


Hard for many to understand inflation, but not for me.

jungle
Chief Rhythm Officer
CSD LLC
Total Posts: 3162
Joined: Jul 2004
 
Posted: 2005-01-12 12:37
i wasn't too in to bombardiers, but the bit when they start bidding on the treasury bond is phucking hilarious.  i vaguely remember there being a cool breakfast scene too (?). 

"pure fear is the mood in EURNOK options"

Strange


Total Posts: 1346
Joined: Jun 2004
 
Posted: 2005-01-12 16:28

sales: Joe said my swaption not pricing right!

strange: you need to update your vols!

sales: what vols?

 


It's buy futures, sell futures, when there is no future!

FDAXHunter
Founding Member

Total Posts: 8333
Joined: Mar 2004
 
Posted: 2005-01-13 08:58

I found this discussion quite amusing recently:

Me: So, I'm sure you've heard about Tom Baldwin?
Big-shot equity trader: Tom who?
Me: Biggest T-Bond and T-Note futures trader? No? Okay, then how about Paul?
Big-shot equity trader: Who?
Me: Paul Rotter... you know, Paul '10% of Eurex' Rotter.
Big-shot equity trader: No. Never heard of him.
Me: Harris Bromfield or Lewis Borsellino?
Big-short equity trader: Nope.
Me: Allright, you've heard of Paul Tudor Jones, Jesse Livermore.. um... how about maybe Mike Milken.
Big-shot equity trader: No, never heard of any of them and you know what? I don't believe that these people do that much size, those are all fairy tales. There's always talk that "Oh this guy is huge." When you look up close you'll find he's no bigger than the rest of us really......


The Figs Protocol.

RFMontraz
NP Italian Stallion

Total Posts: 2011
Joined: Mar 2004
 
Posted: 2005-01-13 10:09

ROFL! Applause

 


Fund Raising and Racketeering, Capital Structure Demolition LLC - What the fuck you mean "not interested" you motherfucker you??

James
NP High Priest

Total Posts: 2024
Joined: May 2004
 
Posted: 2005-01-13 12:25
Me: Ultimately, I'd like to grow the Paris-based asset management firm into a Euopean Renisance Technologies on the backs of the extremely well qualified technical PhDs France produces.
Head of Fund of Funds/Seed Capital: Who?
Me: You know, Renaisence Technologies, Jim Simons, most successful hedge fund of all time. Highly quant. Supercomputers.
Head of Fund of Funds/Seed Capital: Are they in London? I've never heard of them.
(Death enters the room, kicks James hard in the nuts, laughs like Vincent Pricer, and holds up a buring fistful of 100 GBP notes, the ashes of which turn into a dunce cap for James, with which he is promptly crowned)

"Reality is that which, when you choose not to believe in it, doesn't go away." Phillip K. Dick

kr
Founding Member
NP Raider
Total Posts: 3561
Joined: Apr 2004
 
Posted: 2005-02-03 18:45
<we are buying a company that is in the personnel staffing business>

them:  'kr - what Moody's industry should we book this one?'
me:     'How about 'Office Furniture'?'

my bank got pwnd

Reg


Total Posts: 114
Joined: Jun 2004
 
Posted: 2005-02-03 21:27

This conversation happened about 6 years ago at a Canadian bank a few minutes after they won their first power reverse dual callable transaction:

Trader (after looking at his model again): Knock knock

Marketer: Who's there?

Trader: Ike

Marketer: Ike who?

Trader: I gave it away!


PanzerMeyer


Total Posts: 1381
Joined: May 2004
 
Posted: 2005-03-11 18:12

a Structurer : "why are all these girls going to the toilets with their bags ?"


я, конечно, вернусь

filthy


Total Posts: 1255
Joined: Jun 2004
 
Posted: 2005-03-11 20:35
"why do all tech guys have to be such cocksuckers?"

"Game's the same, just got more fierce"

FDAXHunter
Founding Member

Total Posts: 8333
Joined: Mar 2004
 
Posted: 2005-03-15 16:43

Just when you are about to think you've pretty much heard or seen everything there possibly is to be seen in trading.
This has to be, the most bizarre proposition I have ever received..  I'm not sure what this was all about, nor do I know if this wasn't some kind of joke, but I'm just to dumbfounded at the moment and feel compelled to post this.

Him: "I'm bullish on rates next year."
Me: "Okay."
Him: "So, what I basically want to do is trade a butterfly on the S&P 500, short Jun 05 long Sep 05 and long Jun 06 short Sep 06."
Me: "Actually, that's called a condor, but go on."
Him: "Oh yeah, you're right, it's a condor. Okay, now tell me if this is right: I'm exposed on the Jun 05 90 day forward and the Jun 06 90 day forward rate."
Me: "Yes that's right. There is dividend exposure as well though."
Him: "Yeah, ignore dividends for a moment. So, I'm thinking, since the Jun 05 rate won't move much, I'm essentially synthetically bullish on rates."
Me: "... and short a bunch of Jun05-Sep05 divs and long Jun06-Sep06 Divs"
Him: "Yes, ignore that."
Me: "Okay, ignoring it."
Him: "So am I right, I am bullish on rates with this, right?"
Me: "Given the assumption that Jun 05 won't move much anymore and ignoring dividends yes, you have a short position in the Jun 06 - Sep 06 FRA."
Him: "Pretty clever, huh?"
Me: "Sorry, how do you mean clever?"
Him: "Well, I'm bullish on rates, so I figure this would be a clever way to do it?"
Me: "Sorry, I still don't understand."
Him: "I can take a bullish position on rates with this."
Me: "Yes, but why the phuck would you want to?!"
Him: "Well, I think it's pretty clever, I bet nobody does it that way."
(A long pause here)
Me: "Dude... you are entering in two S&P calendar spreads, which are phucking expensive to trade that far out, we are talking more than a full point in bid-ask, you expose yourself to a shitload of dividend risk and some minor forward curve tilt risk, just so you can take a phucking position in Jun 06 Eurodollar Futures??!!"
Him: "Huh?"
Me: "That's what you're trying to get at, a long Jun 06 Eurodollar position!"
(pause here)
Him: "Err, yeah, I guess so."

This can only be a joke, no way somebody would possibly be that stupid. Either that, or some tax relevance to this. There just has to be. I refuse to believe that someone actually proposes this.


The Figs Protocol.

jungle
Chief Rhythm Officer
CSD LLC
Total Posts: 3162
Joined: Jul 2004
 
Posted: 2005-03-15 17:10
Applause  classic, dude, classic...i thought i had heard some badly contrived trade ideas...evidently not.  

never get out the goddam boat
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